Un-Mask the Fear

by Celia McBride

At the end of March, the idea of wearing masks in public was unthinkable. Now we are in August and saying, “Nice mask!” to each other and comparing fabric and patterns. Humans are, if nothing else, pretty adaptable creatures, no?

I’ve noticed that the lockdown has divided some of us into two camps: one, for whom the isolation is anxiety-producing, and the other for whom it is a relief. I tend to fall mostly into the second camp.

Not that I’ve been isolated very much. I was in self-isolation for three weeks when I thought I had the virus but after I finally tested negative (way back in April when it took 9 days to get results), I was able to go back to work at a long-term care home and I have been around people pretty much every day since then.

Those three weeks in isolation were very healing. The everyday anxiousness I feel at just having to participate in life went away. I don’t have to go anywhere? Do anything? Ahhhhh…. I’ve been hearing that some people feel the same way: the forced isolation has relieved their own felt-sense of a pressurized world.

And then there are those who are really feeling the loneliness. The lack of social connection has been getting to them and they feel like they’re climbing the walls. It’s been all they can do to stay sane in a situation they’ve likened to being in prison.

There might actually be a third camp: those who live alone and are retired and life hasn’t changed much. Regardless, it’s a time of change for everyone, whether personally or globally.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t even know I felt anxious about day-to-day living. The anxiousness was masked behind overachieving and pushing myself. It was only when I began to do inner work that I realized my insides are often churning. About what? Oh, you name it. Just about anything and everything.

Ironically, the more conscious I’ve become and the more healing I’ve experienced, the more the anxious state has been exposed. It’s probably not the best advertisement for waking up, is it? ‘Get on the spiritual journey, folks, and you will discover how neurotic you really are!’

But ‘un-masking’ the fear has been a life-saver.

The literal masks we’re now wearing are also life-savers but they are a nuisance and, for some, a source of stress. Despite the attempt at making them fashionable, masks hide our smiles and facial expressions, which connect us to one another in important ways.

The masks of overachieving and ‘pushing through it’ can be hiding an anxious or a fearful part of the self. When I removed these protective outer masks, i.e. when I began to slow down, get quiet and ‘check in’, I began to discover what was really going on inside of me.

Becoming conscious of the fear actually enabled me to attend to what was underneath it: a desire for reassurance, support and self-acceptance. At one time, I would have died before admitting that I was afraid of life but admitting to the fear and exposing it continues to reduce the power it holds over me and provides me with an ongoing source of courage.

When I leave the long-term care home after hours of wearing a mask and finally get to pull it off as I cross the parking lot, I cannot tell you how liberating it feels. The fresh air on my face is like a kiss from God. When I remove the mask of ‘having it all together’ and share the fear, I feel a similar kind of freedom. The relief is like a Cosmic Thumbs-up.

So let’s keep our masks on to prevent the spread of the virus and let’s keep un-masking to discover ourselves. Sometimes what’s hiding underneath is actually what connects us to one another.

Celia McBride

Celia is a multi-disciplinary artist and spiritual director who has completed the SoulGuiding and SoulMentoring programs of Pacific Jubilee. Celia provides one-to-one accompaniment, develops and leads healing retreats and provides spiritual care to residents in long-term care. Celia uses the word ‘interspiritual’ to describe her own salad-bar spirituality, which draws from numerous traditions, faiths and practices. “First and foremost, I participate in my own healing,” she says. “This is truly what enables me to help others.” Read more about Celia’s spiritual direction practice here.