The Gift
photograph by Julie Elliot
by Peggy Allen
I come to this sacred spot; my heart raw with grief. My husband, Jim, died seven months ago and I have the intention to share my grief with this land that I love. I trust what will happen, and I know it will happen spontaneously as I engage with the beauty that surrounds me. My heart is open, my soul is listening.
A green path draws me to the Mother Tree, a huge Douglas fir that stands in immense Silence, her branches almost touching the ground. Standing beneath her, I am held in her arms. There is a spiral labyrinth that winds into her massive body and as I begin to walk it, I am aware that I am being given a generous gift of peace and comfort. I have found peace in this spot since my husband’s death and have come to realize that in some unknowable way his essence dwells here. Then I remember I have forgotten to attend to a chore before I came – one that my husband would definitely want me to do! I laugh with delight and am also moved to tears; grateful for the many sublime and practical ways he is still providing for me.
Walking the labyrinth, I see the stones in a fresh and new way. Each one has been placed lovingly on the ground. I gaze on them with gratitude for their willingness to make this path for me. Slowly I move, ever closer to the center. On the final turn, I am next to the Mother Tree’s trunk; her heart. There are deep grooves in her bark, and some hold stones that I and others have placed there. I find the one for Jim and me. It is a soft orange colour with a cream line that divides it almost in half. I realize it is showing how Jim and I are separated by a thin veil, but the veil is now part of our completeness. I breathe and am moved to prayer.
I lean against the Mother Tree and ask if she is willing to be part of my healing. I wait to hear her answer and feel a surge of energy flow into my body, powerful but tender. I know she is showing me only a fraction of what is available! I humbly thank her, not knowing what this means, but trusting the mystery.
I hear the call of snow geese flying overhead and as I watch them, I'm so moved by the one willing to lead, pulled by some invisible force. I consent to do likewise. Placing Jim’s picture on a stump, I sit and let Stillness enter even more deeply. I am stunned by the upwelling pain that comes pouring from my heart as I yell, “F***ing cancer!” into the gentle air. The land holds the ripples of this hurt and once again I am free enough to receive.
I walk to a pine tree, wiping my tears with her branches and place a small blue turtle next to her trunk, nestled into her compassionate presence. This symbol of Jim rests in beauty, at home in Stillness. Lying down, I wait until Stillness comes into every part of me, not moving again until we move on as one.
Peggy Allen
is a spiritual director who finds grief, loss, awakening, and threshold experiences to be her calling. She collaborates with her allies of spirit, ancestor, nature, and plant medicine. She is on the Discernment Team at Stillpoint at Beckside Spirituality Center where she facilitates offerings of sacred collage, ritual, and creativity. Her most potent teacher is Love.
Peggy completed the Pacific Jubilee SoulGuiding Program in 2022.
Read more about Peggy's spiritual accompaniment practice here.
