Grief and Gratitude
photograph by Trudy Grienauer
By Trudy Grienauer
As I prepared to take vows and precepts as a lay Zen student, I sewed a bib-like garment by hand. It represents a miniature version of the Buddha’s robe. For the ceremony, the presiding Zen priest, my preceptor, signed his name on the back panel of this blue rakusu. Some may think a rakusu marks an advanced student, but it is by no means a status symbol; rather, it is a reminder of a path of practice and service. Sometimes, wearing it feels like a heavy responsibility, but mostly it gives me a sense of being part of something bigger. When I’m travelling, feeling anxious, or things aren’t going well, my rakusu feels like a blanket that wraps me in protection and love.
My relationship with my preceptor suddenly ended a few years ago. We disagreed over an ethical issue and picking up my rakusu wasn’t always easy after that. Wearing his name on my chest often brought back anger, accusations, blame, and left a bitter taste. I knew I had taken vows for the vows’ sake, not for his sake, but still I was hurt and harboured regrets.
The Buddha highly valued spiritual friendships. When Ananda, the Buddha’s attendant, suggested that spiritual friendship is half of the spiritual life, the Buddha corrected him and said that no, it is indeed all of spiritual life. And yet, like any other relationship, spiritual friendships can end. Spiritual friendships are relationships that we cherish and that often stand out in our lives. It is no wonder their end can affect us deeply and carry a host of difficult emotions.
Eventually, I felt it was time to bring peace to the rift that had happened. I resolved to put gratitude first whenever I was reminded of my preceptor. I would be grateful rather than go off into a list of grievances. Thank you for the steps we walked together. Thank you for what I learned, even from the disagreement. The very next day, another spiritual friendship came to an end – under completely different circumstances, but just as suddenly.
This time, I wanted to let go in peace. I wanted to treasure what had been and accept what could no longer be. This was easier said than done. I watched myself go through sadness, hurt, grievance, and blame – and then I stopped myself. What about my commitment to gratitude? What was the point of revisiting things that had gone wrong?
I noticed that grievance holds grief at bay. It’s a fighting impulse against the pain that naturally accompanies any ending. Just holding the grief without a fight is hard, but it feels much more honest. I also noticed that one cannot foster hurt feelings while being grateful. It just doesn’t work! Burrowing into hurt closes the heart. Cultivating gratitude opens it. Grief and gratitude, however, thread well together. As I practice with endings, I will stitch those two into my rakusu, over and over.
Trudy Grienauer
is a spiritual companion trained in the Pacific Jubilee SoulGuiding program. She has been a student of Zen Buddhism since 2005 and currently practices with Vancouver’s Mountain Rain Zen Community as a distance student. Trudy explores her creativity as a poet, photographer, cook and choir singer. She draws inspiration from hiking and gardening.
Read about Trudy's spiritual direction practice here.
